alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
