Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
