im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
