Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
