something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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