I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
