If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
