He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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