I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So many bounce houses so little time
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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