Four minutes until I can fart!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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