seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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