I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Someone came in the potted fern
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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