So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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