Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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