So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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