It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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