Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
