how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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