she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
