Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
