the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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