Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
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