Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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