Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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