Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
