Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
