had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
