Four minutes until I can fart!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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