I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
