Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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