I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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