My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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