her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
wanna go halves on a baby?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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