So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
