In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
