Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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