I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
no, he came in my armpit
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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