Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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