I'm sorry my penis didn't work
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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