Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
