i jhust puked up my retainher.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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