Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
