I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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