A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
