We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
