The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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