so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Randomize
