I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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