I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
