well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
