Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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