Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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