I'm gonna have a badass scar
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
